My Times are in Thy Hand

Days, Hours, Minutes.  They keep getting shorter and shorter.  17 days until graduation.  4 years coming to an end in just a few short days.  These years were so amazing, so difficult, so critical.  It was now up to me to decide the path for my life.  No more riding the coat-tails of my pastor and family.  Now it was my decision to follow God.  

Freshman year.  Moving from a student body of 500, to one of about 10,000.  Away from home, from family, from most things comfortable, and I was only an hour away from home.  Embarrassingly enough, I was scared, and I strongly disliked my first semester.  I had teachers who instilled the fear of God in me, and some who didn't fear God at all.  I was awkward, and didn't know how to be a college student.  I had fun don't get me wrong, but I would have rather been home.  God was using this as a baby step to increase my faith.  I was uncomfortable, and I needed him.  That much I knew.  

Sophomore year.   On my own, in an apartment for three.  I lived with my best friends, Julia and Ashley.  Accustomed to the college routine, my life was easier.  The friendships I had grew stronger and new ones were forged.   My best friend got engaged and life was great.  I figured out I could breathe, that I didn't have to be stressed all of the time.  I was comfortable.  I didn't seek God like I should have because I could do college on my own now.  I applied for nursing school, certain I would be accepted.  I had the good grades, the ACT score, etc, right?  Wrong.  God ripped my comfort out from under me again.  You can read about this here.  God was teaching me the importance of relying on him.  To never succumb to  self-sufficiency.  He was teaching me to wait on him in more ways than one.   

My prayer over the next few months was that God would continuously change my heart to be more like His. That He would show himself strong in my life.  That I wouldn't take the credit for the things that God was doing in my life, or rather that it would be impossible to take the credit.  

Junior year.  First day.  I'm at peace and trusting God's plans for this semester.  I'm excited.  I'm not in nursing school for a reason, and life is good.  The phone rings.  I go to nursing school the next day.  I'm not sure what or how this happened, but I do know that I can't take credit for it.   It was a God thing.  The entire first semester was a constant struggle to keep my head above water.  I daily had to give my fears of inadequacy up to God.  Oddly enough this was one of the sweetest times I've had through college.  I literally felt God holding my hand on most days. Through this daily process of seeking God just one day at a time, He surprised me with an opportunity to go to Papua New Guinea.  

Papua New Guinea was amazing.  If you have spent any time around me over the last year, you've heard me talk about it.  If you want to read about that, this blog is full of posts from PNG.  

Senior year.  At first confusion, frustration, and fear crippled me.  I had just come home from one of the most amazing experiences of my life, and now I was back in a place where it seemed almost no one wanted to spend 10 hours talking to me about it.   I was being selfish.  I wanted to whine and complain that no one understood or even cared.  I had forgotten about the people around me.  My family, my friends, my class-mates, my hospital patients, and strangers.  That's a tough lesson to learn.  It's easy for me to have my planner all filled in, go about my day, and cross off the tasks as I do them.  So I prayed for focus, but specifically focus on my Savior.   Jesus never stuck to a planner, He sought out opportunities to minister.   It's still something I have to pray about daily, and most times more than once a day.   

For much of my senior year, I had no idea what I was supposed to do after graduation. Again, I had to learn to wait for God's answer.  I finally decided that I would apply to jobs locally, work, save money, and see where God led next.  Then an opportunity for me to return to Papua New Guinea arose.  After prayer and counsel from my pastor, family, and friends the decision was made.  I am going back.  I am overjoyed.  Of all people, I don't know why the Lord is giving me an opportunity to return.  Someone recently prayed  over my trip to PNG.  They asked God to make me uncomfortable while I am there.  At first I wanted to shout, "No! don't do that to me!"  Then I realized comfort doesn't allow for growth.  Why would I want to remain stagnant?  To not be changed by the end of my time spent there?  I am thankful for that prayer.  It scares me, but ultimately it's what I need.  What we all need really.  To be uncomfortable.  To be in a place where we can't do it on our own.  

I am excited about the next few months.  What comes after that?  I'm not sure.  If I had to guess?  Waiting, trusting, praying, waiting, praying, trusting.  And that's ok.   I know it's not going to be an easy peasy life outside of college.  It wasn't during college.  I still have lessons to learn, and lessons to re-learn.  I am dependent on Christ.  My times are in His hand.